Endurance

I don’t know what I expected

Some sign of recognition.

Maybe it was too much to hope for,

I got carried away with my imagination,

After eleven years of hoping against hope,

I suppose the result was

Something to be expected by all,

But me.

My heart swells with pain

Because I wanted something more.

I wanted something I knew

Deep down, I knew I couldn't have.

I already know I've been through

Obstacles maybe not even faced

By people older than I,

But it doesn't stem the tears

When I break down and cry.

I’ve crossed my heart and

Hope to die so many times,

I can hardly keep count.

I’ve promised myself I wouldn’t

Let petty obstacles get to

where it hurts.

But each time, I

Break that promise,

And it hurts anew.

I've tried letting it all go

Many times before,

But it seems as though

 My heart is being ignored

by my conscience.

Do I purposefully allow

Myself to be hurt

Like this?

I don’t know

But I do know

I’m getting sick of this cycle.

I've heard the songs,

The poems and ballads,

About how

“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,”

I know that it is true, but there are times I tell

I can’t take this

For that much longer.

I am not suicidal.

I am not a coward.

I am not going to kill myself.

I am not going to let this break me.

I just want this pain to end.

Is that too much to ask?

Written: Sunday November 4, 2012